The Big Job/Transcript
(Opens with a green grid forming a planet with a building on it.) Male Voice: Our target: (Zoom in on the building.) Lord Hater's top secret research facility. (The grid degenerates and regenerates as a machine powering up a glowing orb.) Our mission: Sneak in and destroy Hater's latest diabolical invention, the HT-125-F, (Degenerate, regenerate into Lord Hater.) before he can utilize it. (Degenerate, cut to a black field as a shadowed thing comes forward.) Male Voice: Who are we? The craziest rag-tag band of rebels in the galaxy... (A flash explodes outward, revealing a logo.) Male Voice: The Insurgent Generals! (The logo gleams briefly and explodes, cutting to a speed stripe background. An alien military captain peeks in, he has the same voice that narrated earlier.) Captain: General Outrage! (He poses; the scene contracts around him leaving in a spherical window, while the other side shows his profile. The background is military colored.) Outrage: I'm all about missions, mayhem, manliness! (Back to speed stripes; a spectacled scientist comes forth.) Scientist: Brainz! (Numbers fly out from behind him, he uses a calculator.) I compute out chances of success to be... (Profile view as of earlier, designed to look like a motherboard in a computer.) Brainz: Totally awesome! (Cut to a purple backdrop; in comes a crazy man as multicolored paint splotches appear behind him.) Crazy Man: Wild Card! You never know when I'm gonna... (Profile view, the background displaying a prison fence.) Wild Card: Rutabaga! (pause) Candy corn. (Speed stripes; a red gloved hand reaches into view and produces something and spins it. It stops spinning, revealing it to be fish shaped scissors as the camera zooms out to frame a hog creature.) Hog: Clipper! (Profile view, a trio of electrical outlets string out on the bottom to a stuck timer, the one on the top clipped apart. The background displays a hexagonal pattern.) Clipper: I'll clip you! (Speed stripes; Sylvia's tail peeks into frame and zoom out to frame all of her as she poses.) Sylvia: Smash & Sass! HI-YA! (She punches the screen, leaving a visible broken crack.) Oh, no, I didn't! (Profile view; the elements rimmed in her colors. She is suddenly pushed out of the window view and Wander takes her place.) Wander: And the wovable wandering wanderer, Wander! (Snap to the entire group standing behind a giant hedge. All are staring blankly, Outrage gets close to him.) Outrage: (slightly irritated) Can I help you, son? (Sylvia slips to between them and salutes.) Sylvia: Sir! Sylvia, aka Smash & Sass! First day on the team! (Her perspective of the team.) Huge fan of your work! Really appreciate the call to try out! Outrage: You gettin' to a point, soldier?! (Widen to frame them, she sighs.) Sylvia: Look. (Holds Wander up) This little furball is my best pal. (Close-up on Wander, she stretches his bottom.) I know he seems like a skinny, clueless weakling – (Wander wiggles his legs around.) But believe me, he always manages to get the job done – (She puts him down.) in his own...weird little way. (Pause, Outrage leans into view next to Wander, who gives a happy smile. Outrage looks at the screen and growls, then points at him.) Outrage: Okay, son, listen up! (He gets out of frame, Wander spins a bit and puts on his best war face. Cut to Outrage, holding a piece of the hedge. As he speaks, he pries the leaves apart revealing the building as seen in the grid prologue from earlier.) Outrage: We're gonna sneak in there and destroy Lord Hater's latest evil technology: the dreaded HT-125-F. (Long shot of the landscape; Wander hops through the hedge, yelling as he starts toward the building. Outrage's hand reaches out and grabs him back; cut back to the gang.) Outrage: We're gonna destroy the HT-125-F! (Close-up of Wander, he pries the leaves apart revealing the building.) You're gonna guard the front door, and make sure no one comes in. (The title appears, superimposed over the building; Freeze-frame. Wander salutes. Widen to frame Sylvia and Outrage; he points at her, pressing her snout.) Outrage: If he flings this up... (Close-up of her.) It's...on...YOU. (He slowly brings his hand out of view; Sylvia's view works its way to confidence, eyebrows lowered, and she nods. Cut to a long shot as the Generals jump out of the hedge and walk around, making "hup hup" noises. When they finish, they get together; Close-up of them as they strike poses, the background going blue with stars and yellow spikes. They break their poses and open the door, going in one by one. Wild Card closes the door; Wander and Sylvia use the crosswalks on either side to enter.) Sylvia: Look. I really wanna make a good impression on these guys, so just focus, and it shouldn't be hard, okay? (Close-up.) And remember, don't let anyone in! Wander: (saluting) Don't let anyone in! (Cut to a letterbox view of his demonic face against a red background.) Wander: (sharply) I got this. (Back to fullscreen view; Sylvia strikes a punching pose and the door opens as she walks backwards through it.) Sylvia: Hyah! Hup hup hup hup hup... (The door closes; after a while, Wander starts dancing around.) Wander: I...don't let anyone in, I don't let anyone in...don't, don't, don't, don't...let...anyone in, oh, don't let anyone in... (During the end of this, a Watchdog scientist comes forth. Wander smiles and pushes the door open.) Watchdog Scientist: (German accent) 'Zank you! (He walks in, and Wander closes the door.) Wander: Don't...let...anyone in... (realizing) DOHHHH!!! NO!!! (cuts inside the hideout) Wander: Psst! Sylvia. Sylvia: Wander, what are you doing here? Why aren't you guarding the door? Wander: Well, remember how you said "don't let anyone in"? (nervously) Well, I sort of... did. that. thing. Sylvia: WHAT?! (bangs head on ceiling) Ow! Outrage: Smash & Sass, what's goin' on back there? Sylvia: I-okay. Go, insurgents. (the team walks away) Wander: I'm sorry. What should I do? Sylvia: Find the guy, knock him out, say somethin' sassy! You know, Smash & Sass? (repeatedly punches other hand) Okay, okay. Don't do that. Just... (gets all up in Wander's face) figure out a way to get him out of here! (party horn sound plays while Wander salutes) (cuts to Watchdog) Watchdog Scientist: Vhere are my keys? I know I left vem somevhere. Wander: Excuse me, uh, Mr. Scientist. (peeks left, then looks straight again) Go! Go away! You go away from this building! (stomping the floor) You go away now. Go! Shoo! (pause) Watchdog Scientist: Who are you? (dramatic sound plays as Wander gets nervous) (cuts to lazer room) Wander: Uh, Sylviaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? (cuts to Watchdog's room) Wander: Night janitor! Watchdog Scientist: Oh, I see. Zen who is zat? (suspenseful music) Watchdog: So, Hater hired a newer, younger and prettier janitor, huh? Well, you listen to me, pal! I ain't goin' without a fight! (makes screaming noises) Watchdog Scientist: Veeeeeeeeeeeellll? (Wander cleans up, scientist snaps) Ah, you know, I bet I left my keys in the lab with the HT-125-F. Wander: (flips star on hat; dramatic music) The HT-125-F?! (gasps) Sylvia! (picks up scientist) I think I saw your keys outside! (cuts to outside) Wander: Oh, look, here they are! In this bush! Watchdog Scientist: No, I hate zat bush. I never go near it. I will go zearch ze lab. Wander: Wait! (attempts to open door) (cuts to a locksmith outside the hideout) Locksmith: What ya got here is ya standard evil overlord secret lair lock. Seen it a million times. (unlocks door) Wander: (sighs) Thank you! (hugs) I hope this hug is acceptable compensation. Locksmith: Just let me use your restroom, and we'll call it even. Wander: (pause; this occurs to Wander:) Well, I'm really not supposed to let anybody in the building. Locksmith: (touches bladder; he can't hold it any longer) Oh, come on. Please. I-I'll leave as soon as I'm done. I promise. Wander: Sigh... (cuts to restroom; sign says "OUT OF ORDER") Wander: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, rats! Out of order! Well, guess you'll have to go somewhere else. Locksmith: No! I promised I'd leave as soon as I'm done, and a locksmith, never. breaks. a promise. Wander: What are you doing? Locksmith: Don't worry, I got a buddy who can totally handle this. Wander: Wait, NUUUUHHHH...! (gets cut off) Plumber: Ahhhh! It's worse than I thought! Gonna be here all night! Better order a pizza! Wander: Wait, NUUUUHHHH...! (gets cut off again) (scene cuts to a purple octopus in the hallway with pizza, then immediately cuts to Sylvia seeing all this action on blue screens) Wander: (camera zooms out to reveal him underneath Sylvia) Ummmmmmmmmm... Sylvia? Sylvia: Wander, who are all those people? Wander: I don't know! They keep coming and coming, and never going! What do I do?! Sylvia: Get them out of here before they accidentally find us! Outrage: Smash & Sass, everything okay? Sylvia: (quickly ejects plug) I-okay! Go, insurgents! Wander: But... how? Sylvia: I... don't... care... how! Just do it quickly! And do it quietly! (party horn noise plays, Wander salutes) (cuts outside the hideout) Wander: PLASMA LEAK! Totally dangerous, poisonous! So everybody better leave NOOWWWW! (four trucks show up, and HAZMAT teams come out and enter the building while Wander is locked out) Wander: NO! (he gets so nervous; he expands, and then deflates) Nearby voice: Hey, buddy, what's wrong? Wander: Oh, nothing. It's just that I really need you all to leave so my best friend's dream of being a big top action hero can come true. No biggie, though. HAZMAT worker: Sure thing, little guy. Our job is to put a stop to plasma leaks, not dreams. Come on, fellas! (they move out) Plumber: Pipe's all fixed! Locksmith: Pipe's ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL fixed. I promise. Locksmith and Wander: Because a locksmith never breaks a promise! Watchdog: Sorry about the mess. I got anger management issues. Probably why they replaced me. Good luck, pretty boy. (trucks move out) Wander: WOWIEEEEEEEEEE! (cut to Sylvia and the rebel team) Sylvia: Look! (camera zooms out) The HT-125-F! Outrage: We need to turn off its protective shield. Brainz! Brainz: Deactivating the force field by putting the command key into the... (realizes two keyholes) TWO keyholes?! Outrage: We're missing a key! (sees Wander) Wait! What's he doing here? He's supposed to be guarding the door! Watchdog Scientist: Intruders! (alarm blares) Don't move. Lord Hater will be here any minute. (Sylvia smashes him) Sylvia: Oh, no, I did-n't! (her and Wander point their index fingers) Smash & Sass. Wild Card: Hater'll be here any second, and he's gonna totally carpet square artichoke! Outrage: YOU SAID HE WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM! YOU LET HIM IN, HE LET THAT SCIENCE GUY IN, AND NOW WE GOT HATER COMIN' TO COOK OUR KEISTERS! Bringing you along was a mistake! If we make it out of here alive, you're off the team! (Sylvia buries her head into the ground) Wander: Guys, don't blame Sylvia. Blame me. I was a big dummy to think I could be as cool or heroic as any of you. Especially my best friend. I'm not a hero or a tough guy. I'm just a worthless wandering wanderer, Wander. (brings out mop) And also a janitor. (picks up keys) Oh, hey! The scientist's keys. Sylvia: (gasps) The keys! The second key for the code box! Wander, get over here! (Wander is seen alongside Sylvia) Let's blow this joint! Clipper: (he takes out his chewed gum) Just... a little... shorter. (He sweats through it, but luckily pulls it off, he cuts the gum and places it on the machine before stepping away. Brainz comes down on a rope, sticks an electronic device on the gum, and pulls himself back up. Wild Card appears with a chicken, which clucks, and blows its beak like a horn to play music, causing the chicken to fire an egg, which hits the device. The device beeps with a bomb shown on the screen.) Outrage: Go, go, go, go, go, go! (everyone makes a safe exit) Wander: (lowers hat) There's one more mess to clean up. Sylvia: Wander, NOOOOOOOOOO! (Wander saves the scientist's life by taking the scientist outside the hideout, providing him a comfy pillow, and kisses him, a heart shows up on the screen) Outrage: Wow, way to go... insurgents! (camera zooms out to reveal the fried hideout) I get great enjoyment when a plan works out accordingly. Hater may have had an evil plan, and now, because of the big job we pulled off today, he will never be able to heat his hot tub! Sylvia: Whoa... what, now? Brainz: HT-125-F hot tub? "Heat it to 125 degrees flargenhatz"! (camera crops) Just the way Hater likes it. Wild Card: Yeah, and who knows? Maybe he'll be so upset that his hot tub won't work that he won't try to take over the universe or something really evil like that. (laughs) Pot holder. Sylvia: Okay, now I know you're crazy. (Wild Card pouts and Clipper consoles him) Clipper: H-H-H-Hey, cut it out. He's sensitive. We don't want Hater mad at us. Have you seen that guy? Outrage: He's scary! Insurgents, ho! Smash & Sass, up top! Sylvia: You know what? The name's Sylvia. And I'm already part of an awesome team. (The scene quickly shifts to a screen saying "code name: WANDER AND SYLVIA, specialty: BEST FRIENDS, the scene ends with them facing the screen) (Snap to black.) Category:Transcripts